Making changes happens in layers…
Healing happens in layers. I did not even recognize how much healing I needed. I thought I was fine. I thought I had adjusted. I thought that the time allotted to me for being sick and tired of being sick and tired had expired. People were done caring. I thought I should be over it. People were over it. I should have moved on. It had been two years since my life was turned upside down. My song was sung. The show was over. The curtain had closed.
And right in the middle of my state of being healed…I started healing. Right in the middle of me being fine, God showed me that I was angry…Right in the middle of living my ordinary, God asked me to forgive Him – to let it go.
He told me that I was merely surviving. He asked me to thrive.
I did not see it until I overdid my Christmas photo shoots. I did not see it until there were ornaments hanging from every light fixture, Christmas cards in corners, decorations in every window.
I did not notice until I looked at the girl in the mirror and said I needed to do something about the weight. I looked at the house and begin to clean room by room, corner by corner. I started a faithful YouTube exercise regimen. I wiped down doors, walls, and baseboards.
I decided that the life I was living was not the life I wanted to live, and I changed it.
Yet, I could not change until I accepted that I was not healed. I was not ready. I was grieving, but I did not look like I was grieving. I did not feel like I was grieving. I did not act like I was grieving.
When I lost my sister, I lost a life I understood. I lost an imperfect balance that I understood. My Type A personality that I tried so desperately to keep met an untimely demise. I stopped trying to hold it together. I stopped caring. I had no emotions to motivate a clean house or a healthy body. I adopted a “you get what you get” mentality for each and every part of my life. My house – you get what you get. My body – you get what you get. My job – you get what you get. My marriage – you get what you get. My children – you get what you get. My faith – you get what you get. Whoever I felt like being at the moment, that is who you got.
I was selfish in the name of self-care because I was just trying to survive – work, marriage, and motherhood. I had nothing leftover to give back. My life was permanently different, and there was nothing I could do to change it so why bother?
Why bother trying to change the world? Why bother praying big prayers…when God was going to do what He wanted to do anyway?
2017 was nothing less than catastrophic. I gave myself 2018 to heal, and in 2019, I expected to be back to normal. I was completely normal…until God showed me I was not normal. I was cold. I was bitter, and I was bothered. I was not even close to being healed.
That was until that the day that in admitted that I was cold, bitter, and bothered. That was the day I let Him in without even knowing it. I told Him I was mad, and I held onto to anger long after. Then, one day I told Him I did not think I could ever get past it. I did not think the prayers were working. I did not think the devotions were working. I was still bitter. I told Him I did not think I could trust Him again…and I waited for Him to get angry, but instead He said He was sorry.
And I broke. How could a Man who has never done anything wrong apologize? He owed me nothing, up to and including an explanation. He had done only what was best for me, my job, my marriage, and my family. Why on earth would He give me the gift of an apology?
“Because I need you to forgive me. So you can heal.”
So as I lunge head first into 2020, I wanted to pick a word. I wanted to make big plans. I wanted to create a vision board. I wanted to make lists, and I got stuck.
…Because I already started. I started the day I began to declutter my spirit. I started the day I accepted the apology. I started the day I intentionally invited peace into my home to stay.
I started the day I decided my health and my house became priorities. I started when I began to put down the phone and enjoy family time uninterrupted.
I do not oppose a great new year’s resolution. I love a goal as much as the next person.
Just know that attached to each goal there is healing that must happen. There are unresolved feelings that you must address. There are fixed mindsets you did not even know you had.
You must accept apologies. You must forgive when no apologies are extended, and sometimes that forgiveness start with forgiving yourself – accepting yourself.
Before making changes comes healing, and healing…happens in layers.
Making changes happens in layers.
How do you plan to make changes that stick?
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