I did not realize how much I was dreading the end of summer. For those of you who do not follow my Instagram or Facebook, please know that I spent my summer living my best life. My daughter and I swam, did paddle boats with swans, and pretended to be tourists in this great city of New Orleans. My family relaxed at the beach. I made lists, and I checked off every item of my 20 Activities for Summer Fun in the Sun. If life were a meme, this one was me (with a few more clothes of course). Source
Walking into the school building, I immediately downgraded to a combination of the “mourner” teacher and the “veteran” teacher. (Source)
I donned myself in uninterrupted black, vowed not to drag anyone into my negativity, and dragged myself to school bright and early. It was all I could do not to burst into tears at the thought of months of overwhelmed days with not enough time.
My co-workers anticipated a bright and bubbly Brittany and were met with her somber, not happy to be here but I promised God I would not complain, replacement.
To make matters worse, I got zero sleep the night before. At 2AM, I lay in bed wide awake with no hope of solace. After an hour of no relief, mindless scrolling through social media and binge watching Real Housewives, I finally began whispering a prayer.
I asked that God please allow me to go to sleep as I had to wake-up early the next day. I asked if He would please cut to the chase and let me get out whatever prayer He needed for whoever needed it because I could really use some rest.
His answer shocked me.
“Brittany you are still mad at me.”
Stunned. I said nothing.
He continued, “You are mad about your sister. You are mad because you are lost with how to raise her son. You think you are going to mess him up for life, but most of all you are mad because I asked you teach. You love the kids, but teaching and coaching and momming and wifing and blogging are all too much… Because you are going into year 9, and you have never been able to avoid overwhelmed. Yet, I refuse to let you walk away. You say yes because you learned that delayed obedience is disobedience, but you are still mad because it is too much.”
He was right so I let Him speak uninterrupted. I was absolutely angry at God. Every word He spoke was truth. I could not see how this year would be any less overwhelming than any other year.
He went on. “You are mad because you know exactly why you were chosen. You are mad because you know you are the best person for the job, and you are mad because you would prefer to walk away. You are mad because every time you pray, things go from bad to worse so you would rather just grin and bear it…because you do not have the capacity for worse. You are mad because 30 is not the new 20, and you are furious that I will not step in and fix it…because you know that I can fix it.
“The fact that the situation has not changed means that I have chosen to not change it, and you do not appreciate it. Not. One. Bit. You are mad because you feel selfish for asking me to change it because you understand. You completely understand. If you were me, you would have made the same decisions. You have found your purpose, and you are living your purpose. You just wish I would have found someone else for the job, and you feel ungrateful about all of it because it all comes together so beautifully…
“…But it is so hard. It is so exhausting, and you do not know if you can do it again… not even for the children… not even for yourself. You are angry because you feel like you are not enough, but you are wrong. You are absolutely, positively enough because I am enough.
“I am living in you. I am alive in you…even when you are angry. You carry me with you wherever you go. You were hand selected. You have fought some tough battles, and you are tired of fighting. You would just like to sit some out, but My Spirit keeps asking you to keep going. My Spirit keeps telling you that the world needs what you have to offer. People are looking for you to bring My Spirit.
“I know you are trying to sleep but I needed you to hear me without interruption. You will be fine. You will be fine, and you are enough. I will give you everything you need to handle each day. I just need you to keep coming to me. Come every day. Stop trying to fix it all, do it all, and be it all. You are trying to prepare. You think that maybe you are overwhelmed because you did not prepare well. Maybe if you had been a little more organized. Preparing is not your problem. Organization is not your problem. You tried it your way. Now try it My way.
“Focus on today only. Come to me, and I will give you exactly what you need for today. I AM. Not I was. Not I will be. I AM. I operate in present tense. You are worried about the future because of the past, but I AM what you need right now.
“And any time you get lost, I will remind you because I AM with you always.”
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)
For anyone who is angry at God, He already knows. You may as well tell Him. Tell Him every day. Tell Him all the time. It does not change Him. It changes you. He can change anger. He can heal, and He can fix. HE IS ________________________. You decide what goes in the blank.
You tried it your way. Now try it His way.
“And God said unto Moses, I Am That I Am.” (Exodus 3:14)
What do you do when you are angry at God?
Join me in my journey to trust God.
If you liked this piece, please feel free to share with your friends and family. Also, check out my other pieces on trusting God and finding balance.
- How to Avoid Burnout – Learn to Rest NOT Quit
- How Working Moms Achieve Work-Life Balance
- Why I Stopped Praying Big