I remember thinking that the pastor’s best friend was going to see right through me. He was going to call me out. I did not want to meet him because he would be able to sense that I was overrated, that I was not the right person for the job. As I shook his hand, I knew that he knew it. My cover was blown. I was just a regular girl. I did not deserve to lead the children or anyone else.
I recall waiting to meet with the pastor, waiting for him to renounce my children’s minister position. I anticipated his side eye and look of condescension. It never came so I kept going. I kept praying. I kept asking God for miracles. I kept stepping out before all of the pieces were in place because God asked. I kept creating programs for the children – motivating my team of angels sent to help get the job done.
I kept stepping out on the water (Matthew 14:22-33), and I tried not to show that I was scared to death of drowning because I was completely unworthy to be used. They had somehow picked the wrong person for the job, and any day now they would realize it. Yet, until they did, my plan was to follow God and lead those children “hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). Their lives depended on it…just like my life depended on it. They needed to know, and I would continue to fake my worthiness until they kicked me out…because God asked me to say yes before I was ready. God asked me to say yes before I was fixed.
Trusting the process was the only way I could survive, and trusting the process meant that I had to keep my eyes on God as I stepped out on the water.
But what happens when your whole world comes crashing around you? When you did not say yes? When life happens before you are ready? How do you trust an assignment when you did not even sign up to take the class? You do not want to be here. You did not choose to be here, but here you are without your permission. And now you are still supposed to trust the process. I offer you these three simple solutions – not because I have mastered them, but because I am banking on “hope and a future.”
…because I have watched as God has led me across water. The meeting with the pastor never came. The side eye never came. The condescension never came. I have watched as God used my team of angels and me to do the impossible for the children. If He did it then, He can AND WILL do it again for me and for you.
…even in the midst of assignments for classes you never intended to take.
So again, how do you trust the process when trusting the process is much easier said than done?
Hang on to these three facts:
1. You were created for this.
God knew this situation was going to come up, and He created you with this situation in mind. He knew my sister would die, and He created my husband and me to take care of her only son. None of it happened accidentally. He knew I would be overwhelmed already. He knew I would be broken already, and he gave me the assignment anyway. He created me for this assignment. And He did the same for you. He knows that what you are going through right now is more than you can handle. It is not just one thing. It is everything. It is the job, the kids, your spouse, and your calling. It is your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your tragic story that has left a hole in you that it too big for you to manage. Now He has the nerve to ask you to keep walking – to keep trusting the plan.
He asks because He knew this would happen, and that is precisely why you are here. You are the only one who can do this. You are the only one handcrafted for this. Whether or not you believe it right now, just fake it. Live as though your life depends on it.
2. He will NOT let you drown.
You are all the way out on the water, and you have lost focus. You faked it for as long as you could, but you cannot see Him anymore amidst the raging storm. You are sinking, and you are sinking fast. He will rescue you. Not only does He walk on water, but He also talks to water so He can walk with you in the storm or He can stop the storm (Mark 4:39). Either way, He is there for all of it. The storm cannot kill you. The storm answers to Him. The raging waters answer to Him. Sit in His arms of safety. Take a nap. Let Him handle the storm.
3. Answer the call
This one is the hardest for me because I have watched people die in the storm, people I loved, people who were way too young to die, people who for all intents and purposes did not deserve it. And I was angry. And I am still angry. I was over the process. I was DONE trusting the process. But He kept calling me. He kept telling me to get up. He kept rocking me and telling me that everything was going to be fine. He kept whispering His promises over and over in my ear. Every day, He asked if I was ready to keep going. Every day He asked me how I was feeling.
One day I told him the truth. I yelled. I cried. I shouted. I kicked and punched Him. And He took all of it. He did not belittle me. He did not roll His eyes. He did not tell me I was being ridiculous. He just sat, and He listened. He let me get it all out…before He presented two scenarios.
He said, “Brittany, there are only two possibilities here – just two. Your sister may have died because she was never going to change. She never would have come to me. I never could have saved her because she shut me out and would continued to shut me out forever, and I needed to save that little boy so I allowed her to die. OR, your sister may have died because she finally accepted me. She finally let me in, and had she continued to live, she would have changed her mind. In that case, I still needed to save that little boy so I allowed her to die. Either way, the only piece of the picture that concerns you today is that little boy. I sent that little boy to you the same way I sent those children to you 5 years ago. You are that little boy’s only chance at “hope and future.”
I just need you to keep answering the call. You only have one job. Answer the call. Follow my direction. My job is everything else.”
He needs the same from each of you. He needs you just to answer the call. He knows your gifts at times are too much. He knows you are scared to death of drowning, but you can control neither your gifts nor your fears. You can only control your choices. You can only control your obedience to the call. You can only control your answer.
If you are anything like me, then sometimes you take small steps out of obligation and not faith. Your faith is fake. Your strength is fake. You are out of faith, and out of strength. You are broken and as you continue to walk in obedience, it is simply because you are hanging on to hope. You are taking a chance. You are not sure you trust the process, but this process is all you have left. I am here to tell you that your obedience even when you are faking it will allow you to make it. Your obedience will lead you to “hope and a future.”
What are something that you do to help you trust the process?
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