Overcoming Fear When You Lack Faith

God said, “I did not put that child in your life so you could lose him.  I put him in your life because you were the only one who could save him.” ~ Sarah Jakes

I am currently battling fear – not past tense…presently.  It is an ongoing journey for me because one day life was fine, and then all of a sudden life was not fine.  All of a sudden, while I was busy being fine, life started dealing blows.  Everything happened so quickly.  I was not able to prepare myself, and now I am scared.

***

Over two years ago, I was talking to my sister on my commute home from work the way I always talk to my sister on my commute home from work.  In that conversation, I decided to take in a little boy who needed a home.  I secretly wanted my husband to doubt my decision, but God…

Within two weeks, I traveled home with a 4-year old little boy in my backseat who I had met maybe twice in my life.  During the same time frame in my life,  I taught toughest group of kids at the toughest grade level at work.  I went from mom of none to mom of three in less than 5 years.

I did not have time to adjust.  I did not have 9 months of carrying this child around.  I had no chance to get to know him.  Yet, here he was living in my house.  So now work was too much and home was too much.

***

A year later, they fixed work. I still taught the toughest kids but I had learned to love them.  Within a month of the new school year, the now five-year old boy went back to live with his mom, and I was back to living my dream. I thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated my new normal for a grand total of one month before the rug was ripped from underneath me.

My car was stolen from in front of my home not once but twice – the second time in broad daylight.  My sister was murdered, and her son was speedily returned to interrupt my new normal.  My mom’s mom died.  My dad’s mom died.  My dad’s best friend – my uncle – died.  My great aunt died, and now we had nowhere to go for Christmas.

I had one month of normal before a chain of events took place, and I lost all the people who hosted our holiday gatherings.

***

Needless to say,  fear is now a state of mind.  Overcoming fear is a goal, and I am making little to no progress.  My prayers come with stipulations.  My hopes come with stipulations.  My dreams come with stipulations.

I like where I am.  So if change is going to cost too much, I would prefer to be left alone.  Last time I was fine, my entire world turned upside down in days…in minutes…right in the middle of a normal phone call.  And again when I was at work teaching my students.  And again while I was in Orlando preparing myself to train others on how to implement math curriculum.  In an instant, everything was different…and different was not good.

My son is now 6, and it is obvious to me that one is not like the others.  He is not like my husband or myself, and every day I pray that I am the right fit because I do not have the option to send him to live with his parents anymore if things do not work.

I am scared that I am not enough for him.  Scared that I am not enough for my children.  Scared that I am not enough for my husband.  And I am scared to death to pray about it… because last time I prayed, really prayed from that dark area that no one likes to talk about, things got worse.

I have seen worse.  I have lived worse, and I do not have the strength for worse.

I am completely okay with this new normal.

Life has settled.  I love that 6 year old as much as my 4 year old and my 7 year old.  Now, if I could just be left alone, to take my cute photos and post them, to run my blog, my classroom, and my home, that would be great.

I am afraid to pray for the future.  I have put a box on what I will allow God to do because I am all out of energy.  My life is great just the way it is, and I tell that to God.  I prepare for Him to be angry, prepare for Him to snatch it all away because I have the nerve to try to tell Him how to do His job, prepare for Him to send in all these verses filled with promises of “all things coming together for good” and “plans for hope and future.”

Instead, He extends grace.  He tells me to keep talking.  He tells me to tell Him all about it.  He makes note of all my stipulations, and then He sends me a message through my sister.

God said, “I did not put that child in your life so you could lose him.  I put him in your life because you were the only one who could save him.” ~ Sarah Jakes

And He repeats in my ear, “You are the only one who could save him Brittany.  You are a perfect fit for him.  You are a perfect fit for your job.  You are a perfect fit for your husband, and your other children.  I am sorry that you are so scared, but you have to know it is okay to be scared as long as you bring you fear here.  I accept fear here.  I accept stipulations.  I accept parameters.  Bring it all here.  You are working so hard because the world has told you it is not okay to be afraid.  The world has told you to trust me.  The world has told you that the presence of fear is the absence of faith, but what they forgot to tell you is that you cannot fix yourself.  You have to bring it all here.

“And when it comes up again tomorrow.  Bring it again.  I will be here tomorrow.

Overcoming fear is not your job.    Overcoming fear is not our job.  Overcoming fear is MY job.”

***

What are some ways that you overcome fear?

Comment below or connect with me: Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat: mrsbonnaffons.

Leave your email so that I can send stress reducing strategies straight to your inbox.

Linked at Grace & Truth and #HeartEncouragement