For two years, I have been afraid to pray big prayers. For two years, I have been angry at God. Two years I have been working through doubt and discouragement. Two years I have been clinching unforgiveness ever so tightly.
I prayed all the prayers. I journaled. I meditated, and at the end of two years, I still refused to accept the freedom forgiveness offered. I still put conditions on my prayer petitions.
I tried all the things that good Christian girls do. Then, this morning as I meditated, something changed.
I read a verse over and over.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
I asked God to reveal to me the something I had never see before in my ruthless pursuit of rest as a busy mama. People who I offended came to mind. People who offended me came to mind. As I lifted up both sets of names, God kept going deeper and deeper until I was back at that place two years ago.
Even today I was still mad.
I did the same thing I always do. I handed over my doubt and discouragement. I handed Him my fears, and I asked Him to help me get to the point where I can pray without stipulations attached, and then I heard Him say it.
“Brittany, forgive me. I’m sorry!”
He went on, “You are no longer angry about the outcome. You are angry because you were blindsided. You are scared that in an instant life changed BECAUSE OF YOUR OBEDIENCE so you would rather not go through that again. You would rather be left alone to run around in your hampster wheel. You would rather live a mediocre life. You no longer care to see the extraordinary. You are completely fine with ordinary.
“And for that, I am sorry. Forgive me.
“I love you. I love you more than you love you. Two years ago WAS NOT ABOUT your son…or your sister. Two years ago, I stepped in the save your marriage. Two years ago I stepped in to save your children. Two years ago I stepped in to save YOU. Because I love you. I love you more than you love you.
“And I will do anything to save you.
“Now, if you would please open your hand. I cannot give you all I have to offer in your clenched fist. You have to learn to let go. You have to forgive me. You have done your part, and now it is time for me to do mine. I have a ‘blessing you do not have room enough to receive’ waiting for your open hands, waiting for your open heart.”*
With that He ended.
Then, for the first time in two years, I prayed prayers without stipulations.
For the first time in two years, I learned to let go.
What is God asking you to let go?
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