Last week, I lost my voice. My students laughed. They told me I lose my voice more than anyone they know. The irony is, I have lost my voice more in the past 8 months than I have over my entire 35 years. I hardly ever lose my voice. Even more symbolic – I have spent the better part of these last two weeks at a complete loss for words.
Life has not treated me as kindly as I would have liked. One of the students threw a stink bomb in my trash can. I got into an argument with my husband where some truly hurtful things were said, and I can count the number of arguments I have had with my husband on one hand. My students refused to cooperate for my observation. Two of my athletes lost their minds at track practice. The second of my two co-workers who were helping me develop curriculum for a class that has never been taught in this capacity left out on medical leave. This essentially doubled my workload because I am the only survivor of this trial curriculum, and I have to plan not only for myself but for the class down the hall that has no teacher. Money ran low. Emotions ran high…I ran out of words.
I am still out of words…
I have nothing left to say. The Power of my Positive Thinking has left me with a blank look and an empty mind. And when I get home, sometimes, I cannot bring myself to move. All I can do is breathe and blink. And I fall asleep with dreams of a less emotionally exhausting tomorrow…
I dream of a day where I can do more when I get home than breathe and blink…
And when I wake up in the morning, I look around, and my house is still standing…because every time, I get up a little bit of energy, I clean obsessively. And I watch “This is Us” with my husband. And I enjoy the Bible app with my children.
I have perfected the art of autopilot in my adulthood…
…Autopilot is the only way I know to survive…
Autopilot and prayer.
A prayer without substance. A simple two words, “Fix this.”
Uneding silence between me and my Best Friend.
Because I have nothing left to say. The days are tough. Just when I make headway, and I begin to get my wind, when I think perhaps I am overreacting to life’s circumstances, I am hit without warning, attacked while my guard is down.
So I lay down, but I look up.
And I hear my girls say, they will “win this one for me,” because I cannot hide that being a storm sometimes produces catastrophic losses. Not everyone appreciates my not so quiet storm…
But Someone does. And while my head pounds, and my legs refuse to take another step, I hear the words, “Get up!”
And the more I would prefer to stay and sit, the louder the Voice whispers until the whisper is no longer a whisper but a shout. “GET UP! You’ve got lives to change. You’ve got children to raise. I know you’re tired. I just need you to get up.
“You do not have to say anything. I do not need you to have words. I can speak for myself. You just have to get up.
I CAN FIX THIS!…But I can only fix it if you get up.”
When you are all out of words, you just have to get up…and breathe…and blink.
Your Best Friend sees the words you never said, the prayers you never petitioned. He hears the tears that never fell. He takes your less than ordinary and molds extraordinary. He makes a statement on your behalf.
What are your thoughts on what to do when you are all of out words? How do you deal when life hands you some unexpected blows?
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