Yeah, But I Don’t Wanna

I finally hit my groove.  Mom Camp is in full swing.  Summer is settling.  I am beginning to understand.  I am all in!  Then BAM.  Tides change.  Just.  Like.  That.

Immediately I begin to whine.  I can hear myself sounding like a toddler/teenager mix, “Leave me alone.  Let me raise my children and my two dogs in peace.  Let me FaceTime my husband, laugh with my students, document the process, and live my life.

“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.”

And in my mind, God responds, “But you told me you were all in.”

Then I think of Central Intelligence with Kevin Hart and the Rock.  I imagine this same dialogue with God and myself.

The Rock (R) a.k.a. God:  Bottom line.  Are you in or out?
Kevin Hart (K) a.k.a. me:  In or out of what?
R:  Mmm-mmm.  No time for questions, just action.  In or out?
K:  Okay then I’m out.
R:  I’m sorry…actually you’re already in.
K:  Then why would you ask me?
R:  Because, I thought you would go, “I’m in”…
K:  Listen to me right now…I am really 100% out.  Do you understand that?
R:  [Chuckles]…you are good…
K:  I’m being serious right now.  I’m out!
R:  Okay. Okay.  I can’t say I’m not disappointed…but if you’re out, you’re out.
K:  Thank you!  I’m out!  I’m just happy we can communicate openly and honestly.  I think it says a lot about our relationship.  Wait…what are you doing?…
R:  Here’s the thing, though.  There’s only one way for you to get out.
K:  What’s that?
R:  You gotta get in first. (Source)

So I go on, “I don’t like this.  This was not the plan.  You asked me to teach so I am teaching.  You asked me to coach so I am coaching.  You asked me to mom so I am momming.  You asked me to blog so I am blogging.  You did not bother to tell me about all this other stuff.  You are asking me to continue to say yes, but I am tired.  I DON’T WANNA!!!”

He listened and almost too quietly responded, “But you asked Me to help you grow in Me.  You told Me to use you.  You asked Me to help with your family, your finances, and your vision for your future.  You prayed for all of that.”

I continue shouting more angry at His cool, calm, and collected, “BUT THE COST IS TOO HIGH!”

He snaps right back, still ever the vision of perfect peace, “But you said yes.”

My response in the whiniest way possible, “Yes, but I don’t wanna.”

He pauses, “So what about Jimmie?”

And I think of my Jimmie.  I think of the time I asked God to help us raise him.  I think of how my sister came and snatched Jimmie from us before I was ready.  I think of Jimmie’s sister, Joyce, who lives in a completely different city from any of what is going on.  She inherently senses when things are going awry.  She cries one day and says something is wrong.  When we check, we find out that Jimmie has been crying for hours without consolation.  Later on, Joyce cries again, saying that Jimmie’s hand is hurt.  When we call to check, Jimmie has slammed his hand in the door.

Now, here we are in the last days of my precious summer vacation.  I have been working, and I am thinking of all the rest I did not get, all the time I did not get to spend with my babies before I go back to work.  I am think of all the documenting I do not feel like doing, and before I can wrap my head around everything, my dad’s brother has a heart attack and dies…

…before we even know he has a heart problem, before I can get home from work to see my family, before we know he is sick.  My dad has lost his brother and his best friend of 63 years out of nowhere.  In less than a year, he has outlived his daughter and his younger brother.  “It’s not fair,” I sob.

God agrees.  “It’s not fair,” He repeats.

That same night, my sister texts me at 11PM.  She asks, “Is Jimmie okay?”

My heart drops because I know that Joyce has asked about Jimmie.  I know that every time Joyce has ever asked about Jimmie, something has been wrong with Jimmie.  I cannot handle anything else on my full plate and frail, yet loaded, shoulders.

I text my husband because Jimmie now lives with us…because my sister died…because tragedy struck my household, but out of that tragedy, we got Jimmie back and now God can continue to save Jimmie.  Jimmie is our silver lining.

My husband’s text:

In other words, Jimmie is fine.  “I’m sorry he’s a little tough to handle at times.  I’m sorry you were already overwhelmed before he got there, and now you are a new layer of overwhelmed.  I’m sorry that life is more than you can handle, but Jimmie is fine,” God begins again.

He continues, “So are you still in?”

I sigh and shake my head, “Yes, but I still don’t wanna.  I still want to be left alone.”

It was here that God began to preach.  He stepped out of His still, small voice and into His let’s see what we can learn from this voice.

“Your yes is more than enough, Brittany. I can deal with your “but”s.  Yes, but I don’t wanna.  Yes, but it’s still too much.  Yes, but people don’t care.  Yes, but I would prefer to be left alone.  Yes, but it hurts too much.  Yes, but I don’t have the time.  Yest but I’m overwhelmed.  Yes, but I’m under-qualified.  Yes, but I’m exhausted.  Yes, but I have doubts…I can work with yes.”

He paused for a quick moment, then went on, “Because as long as you are even a little bit in you will eventually stop looking at Me and telling Me yes but (insert your situation) and you will begin to look at your situation and say YES. BUT. MY. GOD.

“And if you ever forget, if ever you lose your way, remember Jimmie is fine.”

***

What are some ways God works with your yes?

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