I am staring my biggest fear in the face.
I am petrified as I take this RETEST. I get tired of seeing F’s, and I know what I think are the right answers. Yet, here we are. Here I am taking this same test – looking at this same inevitable F.
I am too tired for tears – too over this whole process to even summon the energy for a good cry. The worst part is that I am here all by myself. The toughest part about testing is that all real exams must be taken alone. It is just me, God, and this dern RETEST that I would rather not take. I am OK with failure this time. I will take my L, and hide it somewhere never to resurface. I will burn it. I will throw it away.
Yet, every time I begin to live my life. Every time I move on, God smacks me in the face with the same test.
“You will sit here, and you will take it. I cannot get you where I need you to go until you pass. Your next level requires healing, and, to heal, you need to pass this test.”
The tears well up. Those same tears I was just too tired to cry come rolling down my cheeks. I stare at the blank test that looks just like the last one…and the one before that…and the one before that. I have no solutions left to offer. I have tried everything I know how to do. I have studied. I have asked my sister for help. I have asked my best friends for help. I have asked my husband for help…I have prayed for help.
They all lead up to this blank RETEST.
As I continue to stare at the same blank paper, He begins to whisper direction, but none of His direction makes any sense. The more I follow His direction, the more confused I become, which I gladly share.
He smiles, shakes His head, and begins to speak. “You asked your sister for help. Her answers made sense so you followed her direction, and you failed. You asked your best friends for help. Their answers made sense so you followed their direction, and you failed. You asked your husband for help. His answers made sense so you followed his direction, and you failed. You prayed for help…But you do not need My help. You need my healing. I am not here to help you pass. I am here to help you heal.
“So you will not understand because you have been broken for so long, you do not know know what healing looks like. My direction will not make sense until you have healed.
“I had to give you this test to get you here all by yourself – without your sister, or your best friends, or your husband. You being here has nothing to do with this test.
“I just needed you alone. You and Me. Me and you.
“I am going to need you to stay a while. The healing is the hard part. It is going to hurt, but it is going to be worth it. But if you trust me, you and Me, Me and you…we will ride this thing out.
“Just sit right here in my arms. Let Me do all the work. Get some rest. I can take it from here. It will take all you have to fully recover during this healing process, but you will love the woman waiting on the other side. She has ordinary that eats, sleeps, and breathes extraordinary.
“Oh yes, just in case you were curious about the answer to your RETEST, I have two words, two words you used before and you will use again.
“Write this down, ‘NO SOLUTION.’
“I know, right. You should have seen it coming, but you did not. Lucky for you, I did. Even better than that, I am a master at no solution situations. You do not believe in luck. I know, but you believe in miracles. And you are trapped in a room with the One who makes miracles happen and your ‘no solution’ RETEST.
“Now, if you would, sit back. Relax. And be amazed. This is only the beginning.”
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