Be Careful…Your Scars are Showing

My scars are showing.  I want to write.  I want to share.  I want to tell my story, but every time I open my mouth, my scars start to show…so I change my mind.

Scars are ugly.  Scars are proof that you did not heal correctly.  Scars show where I fought a battle and lost so I refuse to talk because I am afraid of what my scars may look like to everyone else.

I work in a field where I cannot express how I really feel.  I perfect the art of disguising my true emotions.  Thus, when it comes down to embracing my true feelings, I resort to laughter and sarcasm.  I hide behind my normal lines of self-defense until I cannot hide anymore because, in the midst of my healing, my scars begin to show.  They serve as permanent reminders of points in time I have no desire to remember.

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One of my favorite bloggers/business owners sent me a shirt.  And I love it.  It is the perfect shade of one of my favorite colors.  It highlights one of my favorite hashtags (#blessed).  The shirt is all that I need it to be, but the timing…

I want to talk about living my blessed life, with my blessed children, and my blessed husband, and my blessed blog, and my blessed classroom…but every time I open my mouth, my scars start screaming!!  So I pray, but the scars will not shut up so eventually, I allow them to say their piece….

…because I have been told for the first time in my life, that I am entitled to my feelings.

I feel them all….from the fiercest anger to the deepest love to hopelessness and hurt.  I try to snap out of it, but I cannot step out of my feelings…

…I pray.  God lets me feel all of it.  He blocks all of my regular exits, “You will sit here, and you will deal with this.”

…I sit, but I am not sure how much I deal with anything.  The doctor’s words ring over and over in my ears, “Perhaps 2018 will be a better year.”  All I can think is that I am #blessed, and I am living #thelife.  I will be fine.  Just let me pull myself together.  I will be fine.  Yet, day after day, as I process my feelings, I slowly realize that fine is NOT the word.  I am human, and I am wounded, and I KNOW I am not healing properly…reinforced by the scars now blatantly evident.

God offers no help as He continues to tell me to FEEL the feelings I have zero desire to process.  Pain and rage and deep-seeded hatred…and love and light and joy.  Imagine feeling them all within minutes or hours or days.  When I am sick of feeling,  I feel them MORE.  As soon as I think I am making progress, I look down, and there they are…big, ugly scares not to be ignored.

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Then I begin to hear the same story over and over about the men with 10 gifts and 5 gifts and 1 gift.  I hear the message loud and clear.  I know exactly what I need to do.  I need to start talking.  I need to share.  I need to touch the lives of those around me because that is my gift.  I know how to cope, and I know how to help others cope, but they cannot hear my voice if I do not open my mouth.

I speak hope.  I speak love.  I speak life.  I am blessed, and when I began to touch the lives of those around me, those lives become blessed also.  These scars show people that I have a story.  Some people do not need to hear about my blessed life, and my blessed husband, and my blessed children, and my blessed blog, and my blessed classroom.  Some people need to hear about my scars.  The scars are not separate from my #blessed #thelife.  The scars are absolutely essential to my survival and the survival of those around me.

The scars play an integral role in my #blessed.

These scars are a part of my blessed.  These scars are a part of my gift.  These scares highlight that I am blessed, and that is my blessing.  These scars remind me that I am blessed TO BE a blessing.

 

What are some ways that you are a blessing to others?

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To check out this amazing line for yourself, please head over to this Tona’s site Called to Edify Boutique. The shirt is super high quality, and definitely worth. The store currently has great sweatshirts, as well as TONS of other cute stuff to wear year round.*

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*I received this shirt complimentary in exchange for a review with honest opinion.  All thoughts and opinions expressed herein are my own and not influenced by the developing company, and/or its affiliates in any way.